Avert your eyes from that terrifying owl over his right shoulder and look instead at the glorious multi-line rotary phone over his left. I can almost feel the solid feeling of pushing one of those buttons:
Bonus: This is by way of notifying everyone that I no longer have a Rice land line. It has been the bane of my existence for years and I’m glad it’s gone. Most of you already know this but if you want to get me, just send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org. You could also try to come find me, I suppose, but frankly, good luck with that. I don’t sit still.